previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
It says...
Ground Newt?
There's this scream that comes through at one point.
And it's the three of us?
And then you look at each other and it's you three screaming,
Where did Boots go?
Jail.
Oh.
Oh, it's where he's gonna go.
Who are you?
We came here and saved you.
What's with the scary face dude in your notebook?
He begins to speak or vocalize and moot.
It's the same sounds that you began to hear.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your Dungeon Master, Russ More.
He, him.
Also with me today is Carla Maxted.
She, her.
I will be playing Glim.
Also she, her.
And Tom Laird.
That's me.
He, him.
And I will be playing a moot who also goes by he, him.
Amy More's here.
She, her.
And I play Sullivan Slate.
He, him.
And joining us today, we have a very special guest.
You know him from places.
It's Lindsay Bowen.
Yay.
Thank you.
Hi.
He, him.
I'll be playing Nanpah Nine.
Also he, him.
Oh, it's lovely to have you here today with us, Lindsay.
We hear you've been studying to be on the show.
I have listened to every odd-numbered episode.
I mean, that's the best way to do it.
Well, I'm confident in saying of the five of us, you know what's going on more than the other.
Absolutely.
Except Russ, that's not fair.
It's just us three dumb-dumb.
I don't know what's happening.
I don't know.
Did you hear him earlier?
He's like, talk amongst yourselves.
I haven't written down something very important.
I have to write down important notes.
Look, that's for a future game.
That's not for past game.
Right, right, right, right.
That's right.
Future game being 30 to 40 seconds from now.
That's correct, yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look, we're discovering it all together, okay?
Whether I write it down or not, doesn't matter.
Because it's improv.
Yeah.
Hey, Russ, great job.
This was like word for word, what you emailed me last week that they would say.
Lindsay, you're not supposed to tell them that.
Improv.
Good, you got the script then.
All right.
Where we do more improv, including some live streamed one-shots, is over on Patreon,
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And when you are a patron, you get in on all those great games that we play.
But also you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Andrew Flood.
Thanks, Andrew.
Andrew.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, Andrew.
You can join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Just ask Lindsay how good it is over there.
I am a patron and I love it.
He sounded so forced.
Yeah.
Like Russ has a gun to his head right now.
We all had very threatening looks on our way.
He's got his family in the back.
I love it.
That part was not in the script that he sent me and I just, I can't be off
book.
Yeah.
It was flawless.
I loved it.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And now fuck it.
Let's play.
It's an early morning in the lovely city of Dharamar and Moot and Sully have gone
out to go find breakfast for themselves and perhaps for Glim, who stayed behind
because she has been looking over her Bahamut book.
It's been a bit since there's been any direction or notice or communication.
Is anyone else picturing the Bahamut book?
Just like those books from the library where it was like L and then it was
like all the things that start with L.
Are you talking about an encyclopedia?
No, but they were like picture books.
Right.
I was imagining like the teen Bible.
That's what I'm picturing.
I mean, sure.
Also good.
Kind of a sweet amphigory.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Sorry.
I'm going to interrupt this again.
Where did we land on long rest?
I said yes.
I didn't hear you.
I don't think you did.
You went out to write some stuff down.
Yes.
Oh, is that when he said that?
That's awfully suspicious.
Yeah.
You can all long rest.
I already did it.
You're having long rest.
I did it.
Just in your, in your tavern room.
Just flipping through the pages, looking at past entries.
Okay.
Bahamut.
Listen, big guy, I could really use, I don't mean to be demanding.
It's so great of you to have already put all these things in this book,
but I just kind of need to know like where are we going?
What's next?
How?
I've got the team.
We're ready to save the world.
And now I just need just a little bit of direction, please.
I'm going to, I'm just going to do some sit ups and you can,
I'll just leave the book here and I'll just check it in a minute.
Place the book down and begin doing sit ups.
Evolves into push ups.
One arm push ups and jumping push ups and like,
it's incredible.
Just coming back to her grunting.
Yeah.
There's a lot.
It's like a, it's like a rocky like pump up scene.
Yeah.
Just like kind of surreptitiously looking at the book every like 35 seconds.
Like maybe Bahamut, buddy.
After about, I don't know, rep a million,
you hear a loud crash outside the window, which draws your attention.
You go over and you look out and you see that there's a,
a wagon that's crashed into a vendor's fruit stand.
Fruit stand.
Oranges and bananas and watermelons spilling out into the street.
It's a bit of a scuffle happening.
And then you hear the sound of scratching coming from behind you,
from the book.
Well, I brush back to the book and try and see it revealed before me.
You have it open to a clean page.
And it looks like frantic lettering beginning to appear.
Not like the cursive, smooth, clean lines of entries past.
And the words that come into view before you are attack.
Then it, without lifting whatever imaginary pen, drops down to Celestia.
And as that finishes, it drops down and gives you one more phrase that says,
Don't come.
Before it drags this imaginary pen that's being used somewhere off the page.
Well, that seems bad.
That seems bad.
I should definitely just like finish this set, but then go find Moot and Solly right away after that.
So I do like a thousand more.
But it's really fast.
We cut outside to the fruit stand as Moot walks up.
Solly-less.
You see this carriage with two well-dressed figures in like black blazers that fit just a little snug.
And they're talking to this vendor.
One of them is a monkey.
Who's not saying a whole heck of a lot, but looks quite disgruntled.
And the other one, Lindsay, could you describe who the other character is they see?
Sure.
I think it's important to point out that when Russ asked me what kind of characters I'd like to be,
I wanted to be a little cute steampunk robot and his talking monkey friend.
And Russ wanted to be men in black.
So we compromised.
This is the compromise.
I'm all about compromise.
Steampunk monkey in black.
Got it.
Yeah.
So you see a little brass robot in front of you.
He's got a round head.
It looks like a golden snitch.
It's about the size of a volleyball with giant bulging green porthole eyes
and an even more giant handlebar mustache that sticks off either side twice as wide as his head.
His body is the size of a yoga ball.
And the bottom quarter of it is this dense black substance that he kind of rolls around on,
like an upside down secret deodorant.
Kind of squeaks sometimes.
His body is painted like he's wearing a black business suit.
And he's got Pince Nez sunglasses like Morpheus on and a big black fez,
like a turn of the century Eastern European warrior or businessman.
This is a business fez.
This is not a fun fez.
He's got a giant crossbow and like what you would think of as a baseball bat and a shield strapped to his back.
And he's saying to the vendor, stop fucking around.
We're here for business.
You ran into my...
I don't even know what this is called.
Storefront.
I'm new.
I'm new to being a vendor.
This is my first vend.
What is this around?
This is squish fruit, isn't it?
Look at this.
You're just squishing my good apples is what you're doing, sir.
This is clearly not an apple.
This is a squish fruit.
The monkey, who also is on the smaller side,
picks up one of the larger melons and like cracks it open and begins just like pouring out the inside.
Do you have a permit for this squish fruit stall?
Yeah, I got a permit.
What are you, some sort of inspector or something?
Hey, we're with your Bureau of Anomalous Legends, Lores, and Spectacles.
And this is an anomaly.
This should not be here because I am here trying not to squish fruit.
So wait a second.
You're saying I have to have a permit for me to have fruit that you're not supposed to squish?
Absolutely.
Let me check my books.
Moot, you think you're going to come to blows or something?
You want to like place a little bit of money on this thing?
Oh, yeah, sure.
My money's on the monkey.
He hasn't done much yet, so it's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
I was also considering the monkey.
Well, I got it first.
Wait, what's your guy?
Oh, I was playing the vendor, but there is a monkey.
No, I know.
Also.
I was just wondering, like, you're just a humanoid?
Tell us about the vendor.
What's he like?
Oh, yeah, the vendor.
Is he strong?
If I'm making bets, I need to kind of know who I'm putting my money on.
Does he feel like going on an adventure?
Yeah, no, the vendor is human.
He's on the portly side.
He eats a lot of squish fruit.
He's getting high on his own supply, hey?
That's right.
Bad news.
Not recommended.
A little bit of thinning on top, scruffy, five o'clock shadow kind of feel,
and just a very fruit-stained tunic and...
Make him sound more slovenly.
No.
Sir, no offense, but you are a mess.
How much will it take in, let's call it non-negotiable script, for you to go away forever?
Oh, God.
Okay, I'm going for the robot because he's totally going to kill him.
It's going to make him go away forever.
Yeah, he means business.
Look, these are the permits that I have here.
Will somebody help me figure out who these people are?
Look, let's stop fucking around.
These permits are garbage.
Here, here's some non-negotiable script.
This should pay for everything.
Just go away.
All right, well, yeah, this will pay for a little bit.
You know, I'm just going to turn back off here, all right?
Okay, look, he's just like giving out money.
Excuse me, sir, I was traumatized from looking at what had just occurred to me in front of my eyes.
Do you have some non-descript scripts for me?
He turns his head to you and says, ah, do you know what non-negotiable means?
It means it is open for negotiations.
Well, no, you're so close.
You're so close.
Like how close?
Like close enough that we're just going to let it go?
Like the opposite of that, yeah.
Oh, okay.
It means that you're going to give it to me, no questions asked.
Well, actually, I have questions.
NanPaw9, Bureau of Anomalous, Legends, Lore, and Spectacles.
And he reaches out a little robot hand to shake up because he is smaller than you are.
Smaller than me?
So it's the A-L-L-S, is that right?
That's right.
The Bureau of Anomalous, Legends, Lore, and Spectacles.
They do it all.
Yeah, this monkey gets it.
I'm NanPaw9.
This is my partner, Professor Smart Monkey.
Now, if we're all done fucking around, we have some questions.
Well, sir, respectfully, I am almost never done fucking around.
We rarely have answers to anything.
But we are fairly cooperative people, I suppose.
I'll wait.
When you're ready, names, pronouns, and catchphrases, please.
He pulls out a little pad.
Guys, guys, guys, oh my god, oh my god.
Glim, what's up?
There was writing in the book.
There was writing.
New writing.
What did it say?
Something bad.
Oh.
So maybe we should...
Rip that page out.
No, no, I don't, that seems, that would be like a desecration, I think.
I don't, I definitely don't think I should do that.
But maybe, did you guys do this?
No, we did.
The robot and the monkey did this.
Insulted.
It was the robot and the monkey.
Quiet.
NanPaw9.
Autonome.
I'm geared and designed to replicate all the features of a real gnome grandpa.
Here, have a Werther's.
The little drawer opens where his vest pocket would be, and he pulls out a little caramel
and he gives it to Glim.
Here you go, Sonny.
Thank you.
Oh my goodness, it's so nice to meet you.
You, I like.
You don't even know me, mister.
Exactly, because you haven't answered the questions.
Names, pronouns, catchphrase.
Catchphrase.
Sullivan's Light.
I am, I am pronouns.
I think they're important and catchphrase.
Moot.
I need a minute.
Don't write that down.
That's not mine.
That's good.
Damn it.
Moot, he, him, and whoops, bad magic happened.
Whoops, bad magic happened.
Yeah, that's accurate.
That checks out from what I know too, Moot.
Wait, what do you know?
You know stuff?
Maybe a sh-
The monkey leans down to NanPaw9's ear and covers his hand and whispers something
into his ear.
Does it sound like monkey sounds or does it sound like actual?
That's what I'm wondering.
Bad magic.
I need a minute.
Yeah, this is really them.
What about you, Sunny?
Oh, um, Norixia Sakura.
You can call me Glim.
She, her, and I guess if I had to pick a catchphrase, it would be Bahamut Rules.
I thought for sure it would be heavy heard of this cool dude.
Too long for a catchphrase.
Fair.
The little robot looks up at the monkey and his head squeaks as it shakes.
Yes, this is them.
Wait a sec, hold on, who sent you?
We were sent here by the Bureau of Anomalous Legends, Lords, and Spectacles.
We're here to give you direction.
I don't-
Balls is going to give us direction?
Sure, why not?
It's alls.
Well no, it's a bureau though, it's for sure balls.
Oh, is it?
Oh, I didn't, well, time to make a correction on my notes.
Yeah, I mean that's how a bureau-
Wouldn't be the first time someone scrawled balls in your book.
Is that?
Sully.
So, hold on, so you're here to, yeah, okay, you're here to give us direction,
but like, who sent you to give us direction?
Because, you know, you could be bad.
We're sort of more like freelancers, we don't necessarily take-
We take our directions from the big guy.
Yeah, normally we kind of just look towards Glim in that book.
We're not here to give you orders.
We're just here to give you a sense of direction, a sense of purpose.
Maybe a job, but our organization, the Bureau,
has been seeing some anomalies from time to time.
Things have been happening.
New prophecies appear.
You heard of ProfStat?
ProfStat goes off the charts whenever you guys move to a new town.
There's the intrusion at Butts Hole.
There's the Goblin housing uprising.
There's the little boy, the dog portal.
Monkey leans down and whispers into his ear again.
Absolutely, Professor.
And, of course, the Shadow Wars,
which have just been prophesied to happen, but apparently you caused.
Oh, hold on, what?
I'm sorry, what?
I have not heard of that one yet.
The Shadow Wars.
Monkey nods.
Well, let me give you some advice.
Maybe there's maybe some information about these Shadow Wars,
besides other than the fact that we apparently caused them?
Also, I want to see proof.
It's a little sketchy.
It's just a prophecy right now.
But when you're about to start an epic adventure
and people are counting on it,
it's a good idea not to start with taxation and trade policy.
And if you do that,
it's a good idea not to kill the prince and raise him as a zombie.
Well, I mean, quiet the fuck down for one day, okay?
We're in the street.
We should probably just get out of the street.
We should probably, like, get out of the street.
What are you looking at?
Yes, what are you looking at?
Stop fucking around, passerby.
I came for some fruit.
No, it's okay.
It's all over the ground.
Just grab one and go.
Don't grab my fruit.
Maybe there's somewhere else we can go
that's not the middle of an accident,
of like a spectacle that's happened in the streets.
You're saying that we've caused Shadow Wars
and then raised a dead prince.
Like, I don't know what you're talking about, man.
Can we go somewhere else?
Also, there's some flies kind of starting and, like, gross.
So maybe let's just go.
Yeah, I agree with Glim.
It's getting yucky over here.
Let's go.
Seems like a regular spectacle to me, but sure.
Lead the way.
We cut across the street to where you're staying.
It's a shady spot, hey?
Shadiest spot.
We didn't want to shill out for any high accommodations.
You were being put up by the queen, right?
I suppose.
She's on a budget.
I get it.
You've got to keep those purse strings tight, obviously.
And you're in the back.
You've been served a round of your favorite beverages
for those that require them.
The monkey's drinking a banana smoothie.
Oh, how?
With whiskey.
I was going to say, how pedestrian.
Oh, the monkey's drinking a banana smoothie.
That obviously wasn't the important thing
you wrote down earlier.
What if it was, though?
Let me see it.
Nope.
Yeah.
It's like one of my dog pees on a fire hydrant,
and I'm like, really?
It's a bit obvious.
Nan Paul looks at the monkey and says,
Professor, you never cease to amaze me.
You're always trying new things.
And he has ordered a boiling tea kettle full of whiskey
and is just inhaling the steam into a little hole
under his big mustache.
Like a reverse tea kettle whistle.
So shadow war?
I mean, that doesn't, I know we've just met,
but that isn't really like our thing.
Sounds ominous.
Yeah, we're more like save the world types,
not cause wars types.
Yeah, is there like a sunshine war?
Because that's something that we could probably start.
The prophecies are vague right now.
They just popped up.
And you didn't say no about the zombie.
Yeah, but we also didn't say yes.
Hold on.
You said this just popped up.
Where does it pop?
Prof stat.
We got a whole team, the boys and girls and prophecies.
Look at these things.
It's kind of seen to the future.
And sometimes we can change things.
Sometimes we can't.
This time we can't.
But maybe we can give you guys some direction
so you stop this wave of destruction across Toriel.
Oh, God.
Okay, Glim, didn't you just say that there was something bad
in your Bahama book?
Well, yeah, but I mean, to be frank,
I'm sorry, no offense,
but I don't really want to talk about it
in front of these strangers.
Oh, no, I totally get it.
But yeah, it was pretty bad.
What if it's the same thing that's...
Oh, you think they're tied to one another.
Did your book mention devils?
No.
We got a devil problem.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe it's two separate problems.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it could just be a coincidence.
Wait, that's not better.
Hold on.
Having two different problems is not better.
If it was the same problem,
it would be just one problem.
You're right.
Well, I was just excited that maybe it was a problem
that had nothing to do with us.
Oh, that would be better.
Yeah, but if it's in her book,
it's probably to do with us.
And if he says we caused this as a problem,
I mean...
Our methods aren't necessarily, like...
You know, it's just...
We're doing our best.
We are.
That's all we do is our best.
Fantastic.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
Listen, can we stop fucking around?
We have a mission for you
that could maybe help you clean up your ledger.
Well, I have a quick question.
Is your catchphrase,
stop fucking around?
It wouldn't be if you would.
Oh, let's see what you think.
Okay, fair enough.
Okay, so a mission,
and you're, like, for sure not evil, right?
Yeah, is there a way we can tell you're not evil?
I mean, I got that Werther's,
and that gave me, like, pretty good vibes towards you,
so I'm kind of feeling like you're pretty chill, but...
Well, what would it take for us to prove
that an imposing figure like myself
and the professor aren't evil?
Well, I feel like if you're evil,
legally, you have to tell us that you're evil if we ask, so...
You know, that checks out.
Legally, I have to tell you I'm in balls.
And legally, I have to tell you
that balls is a division
of the League of Interplanar Concerns and Kindness.
I can't even.
Ahem.
Fuck.
And then Monkey lifts his collar.
Who makes these...
Who puts these names together with these acronyms?
I don't know.
I guess it's the boys and girls in the acronym department.
But all I know is,
whenever Licht doesn't know where to go,
the answer is always balls.
Fair enough.
Okay, I just...
I don't think I need any more of an explanation.
The world is weird.
People say that a lot.
Is it just to stop you from throwing more
really random acronyms at us?
The monkey comes over and pulls his shirt,
his lab coat that he has on,
and you can see a tag, and it says,
not evil.
Oh, well, I mean...
We asked for proof.
I did ask for proof.
The writing's right there.
Yeah.
Okay, well, direct us, then.
So I guess, yeah, what's our mission?
Nampaw is flipping through his little notebook
and saying,
acronyms, acronyms,
hold on, acronyms, acronyms.
Ah, mission.
Okay, so we find willing adventurers.
We ask them to do good works that help the world.
We also find weird shit that's happening
and try to stop that from happening.
In this case, we get to kill two birds with one stone,
because you guys are weird shit that's happening,
and we'd rather you work on a good mission.
Well, hold on a second.
Wait, I feel like that's stuff that we already do.
Professor Smart Monkey pulls a stone out of his pocket
and puts it in the center of the table.
I mean, to be fair, you guys do some weird shit, too.
What's with the stone?
This is a metaphor.
Go on.
Okay.
So it's going to turn into something.
No.
It's just a symbol for something else
that we're going to be talking about.
Have you heard of an orb of expanding?
No.
It's a powerful, powerful relic.
It's kind of like me after a buffet.
It's like if you could unbutton the top button
on the universe.
Whoa.
That's right, Professor.
Nanpah nods as the professor just puffs himself up
and puffs himself up,
and this is holding his breath and pulling his arms out wide.
It's like that.
The orb gets bigger and envelops everything around it.
Oh, I get it.
And the orb should be kindness
that we should all be doing
so that we affect other people in a kind way,
and they go and affect other people in a kind way,
and it's like that?
Sure.
But this orb is actually a powerful weapon
that's fallen into the hands of devil cultists.
Okay.
I thought it was literally a metaphor.
Oh, Sally, yours was so nice.
Yeah.
It really took a turn.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
So, dangerous weapon.
Devil cultists.
What does it do again?
It expands.
The prophecy's a little vague beyond that.
It's dangerous, and it expands.
And it's an orb.
Oh.
And this cult of devils has it.
A cult that worship devils.
Hmm.
Oh, I guess it's good to make that distinction.
Yes.
Well, there may be some devils.
Where there's a cult that worships a thing,
maybe there's some things.
For example, did you notice that squish fruit cultist
that we defeated earlier?
Um, that Venda?
I think that was just a fruit vendor.
Have you tried the squish fruit?
Thank God.
Professor Smart Monkey's face just falls into his hands.
What's the matter with the professor?
It's a squish fruit?
You had it?
He's remembering what happened to his last partner
one day before retirement.
Ate some squish fruit.
Just holds up one.
Turned into an ooze lord.
Oh.
That's a terrible way to go.
Well, I mean your lord, though.
Well.
You see Professor Smart Monkey lift his head
and it's just a single tear rolling down his fur.
Though anyway, do you know about devils?
I, um.
I mean, in passing, sure.
Yeah, the opposite of angels.
Yeah, generally.
They're the opposite of angels.
They're the worst because they're evil
and they have bad politics.
Well, I mean, yeah.
There's a lot of other evil that just wants to eat stuff.
These guys?
Right.
No way.
I guess I should tell you about the fire
and the portals.
But the devils, they always got fire around them.
This orb of expanding
will allow them to summon portals
and push people through into a furnace.
Into hell.
The first layer of hell.
And allow devils to come out the other way.
We don't want that.
That's bad.
Devils are terrible.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
That sounds really bad.
So this isn't an orb, but it's also a portal?
It expands into a portal.
Again, the prophecies are super vague.
That should have a portmanteau.
Portable?
Or-ple?
Professor Smormokey just slaps his forehead.
Looks to...
Let's get some Foley on that, Russ.
I didn't know you'd have to take that again.
I'm sorry. I missed that.
Little, little harder.
Yeah, it wasn't quite great.
It's a little more slappy.
You're going to have to take your glasses off.
Russ will have a concussion by the time we're done.
He also can't remember what happened.
Oh, that was a good one.
That was a good one.
Did it.
I was going to type something and now I can't remember what it was.
Because you hit yourself three times.
I killed it with fire and portals.
Okay, so yeah, portmanteau, portals.
You're shaking and hitting your head.
Okay, so I agree. This does sound bad.
The porbals, is that it?
I think that's it.
I don't know.
It's something like that.
The portable of expanding.
Exactly. So, sounds bad.
First layer of hell sounds bad.
Devils sound bad.
Where do we go to stop them?
I think we're kind of free, so.
Apparently these cultists have a hold up in the mountain range near here.
The Lance Mountains.
And do we know how many there are or?
What they plan on, never mind.
I just figured it out for myself.
They're going to try to infiltrate the government.
Using the devils because of the bad politics.
It's amazing that you mentioned that.
Have you ever met an administrator who loves to be an administrator?
Just is fired up about it.
Just is.
Everything about administration is the end all and be all of their being.
And they make you do those stupid circles.
Those pump up circles before any of the people get there.
And so they're like and they take up 15 minutes of your time and it doesn't really do anything and nobody feels closer to one another.
Devil cultists.
It's all coming together.
We got to stop this.
Will it stop this or is it just going to slow it down?
This is one of those where things aren't really going to change.
It's just not going to get any worse.
It'll at least get the portal in the hands of balls.
That's for sure.
Well.
I did have a question, Nampot.
You mentioned the prince that we had some dealings with and how does he factor into all this?
Well.
Do you know how he's doing?
Is he just hanging out with boobs?
As far as I understand, the prophecies say that in the not so distant future, a great army of the undead will sweep over the land led by the shadow.
No.
Come on.
There's no way.
Hold on.
Have you met the shadow?
Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.
Sleigh bells, sleigh bells, sleigh bells.
Reindeer.
Jingle bells.
You already took that one.
Damn it, Tom.
Sorry.
You've heard the beginning of this middle.
What's the theme that we have going on?
Well, it's the holidays, my friends.
The holidays are coming.
I like that you jumped in and told them before they came to the logical conclusion of we don't know what the fuck holidays sound like.
Every time we ask a question, I immediately think that people will pause to think about the question.
Really give it some thought.
Yeah.
And then when they press play, it's like, oh yeah, it was the holidays.
Of course.
You were right.
I required my 45 minutes of quiet contemplation to answer this question.
We have to stop asking questions in the middle.
We really should.
Yeah.
We've got to put the middle closer to the end.
And then it doesn't become the middle.
It becomes the end.
Oh, OK.
It's real philosophical.
I know.
I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I need 45 minutes to think about this now.
I was like, hold on, hold on.
I need 45 minutes to think of a good portmanteau for this.
Well, while you think about your portmanteau, we have something we call Game Time over on Patreon where we have the privilege to play with our patrons.
And this month we are running a holiday themed game, and that is going to be played on December the 18th.
It's a Saturday morning in North American times.
Other time zones.
This is also a time for you.
Also a time.
If you're looking for a specific start time, 8 a.m. Pacific.
So extrapolate that for whatever time zone you're in.
Google, put it in there.
But you can find all the details at Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
Come join us over there.
We still have a few spots left.
We I am running it.
I believe Tom is set to play in it.
I'm on the schedule.
I've thrown it to Amy and Carla.
Now the ball's in their court.
Maybe they'll be there.
Who knows?
I'd love to.
I love the holidays.
Holiday episode.
Maybe maybe our dog will be sleeping through it and we can both join.
One can only hope.
Oh my gosh.
It would be.
It would be a holiday miracle.
Would be.
So Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
We hope to see you for the holidays.
And if not, we run a game time every single month.
So hopefully there's one for you.
They're a lot of fun.
Just ask people in our discord.
Links down in the description.
They talk to you soon.
No, come on.
There's no way.
Have you met the shadow?
It sounds like because his name is Shadow, it seems like he could lead an undead army.
But if you met him, you would know that that just, I mean, he couldn't even lead himself.
He doesn't wear shoes with laces.
Look, the boys and girls in prophecy aren't always our best and brightest.
I'll be honest.
OK.
Well, they might have to do a little more workshopping on that one because I just I don't buy it for a minute.
No.
Yeah, no.
But maybe like a sure shadow war sounds really cool, but it's not.
It's not that.
That's not your guy.
Surely that's just a coincidence and it has nothing to do with him.
There's lots of shadows.
I think you're right, Professor.
These these folks can't save the world.
Oh, we definitely can.
It's kind of in our whole thing.
So, I mean, I'm not rising to that bait.
You seem like you believe in prophecies and I definitely believe in prophecies because there's one that we're going to save the world.
So well, are you going to save the world from the shadow wars?
I mean, again, our prophecies are also a little vague about what exactly you know how prophecies are.
It's like save the world.
It's all like big picture.
It doesn't really get into like the graNularaaaity of how exactly, you know.
So perhaps you've gotten your prophecy in my prognostication.
I guess it's I guess it's possible.
But I mean, the shadow leading an army.
OK.
I mean, just give him some lace up shoes and it'll take keep him busy for a while.
We can take it down from the inside.
Well, look, like I said, it's in the it's in the fairly distant future.
I think that's what I said.
If it's not what I said, it's what I meant.
Ahead of us right now are these devil cultists with the poor bulls.
I agree.
Let's get a let's get a drink and give these guys a chance to chat it through.
There's a lot of non-negotiable script in it for you guys, too.
Also, the warden of Geneva winter kind of on your ass.
We can help with that.
And he and he rolls off squeak, squeak, squeak.
That fucking warden still after me.
I mean, we we we've wrapped that up at some point, right?
I mean, we must have.
Right. I mean, did we?
Hmm. It's just like you go around doing good deeds.
So you sort of sometimes forget about maybe some loose ends that you back,
you know, your back and we come from and you've made up for it.
Right. Like I've grown a lot.
I mean, I would see that except she's a bitch.
I'll say it again.
It's true. It's true.
Got me.
OK. Well, if I can get them to get her off my tail.
I mean, that would that would be good.
I guess that would eliminate a problem that we sort of forgot we had.
So great. Yeah.
Wouldn't that be the worst if I just ended up in jail again?
Oh, God. And they'd be on to the crab claw thing.
Like we couldn't. Oh, yeah.
I can't really go to that well, too.
I can only kiss to so many things. Exactly.
And you're out of practice.
Am I? You're right.
I don't know. You asked me to stop sharing at one point.
So you're right. And I appreciate that you've done so.
No way.
Every time you ask for a pencil.
Every time.
So. Oh, guys.
Oh, my God. The book.
I can't believe I got so distracted by the competing prophecies and the cult
and the writing in the book is really it's bad.
Three. Just three lines.
Attack Celestia and don't come.
And it's so look at it. It's so frantic.
It's something really bad is happening, I guess, in Celestia.
And I guess we should not go.
Who's writing this book?
Well, I mean, I'm at but.
Yeah, I always kind of thought it was the big guy himself.
Yeah, I mean, and look at how nice his handwriting normally is.
This is this is bad.
So hold on. Hold on.
This is just telling us we shouldn't go somewhere.
But I guess we need to know that something bad's happening so we can just worry about it
without having any control over the outcome whatsoever, I guess.
So yes.
That sounds healthy.
What if we're not help?
What if we're not supposed to help with that one?
What if we're supposed to be somewhere else?
So they're like saying, hey, this bad shit happened in here.
You might hear about it, but like you're needed somewhere else.
Well, maybe it's this new prophecy that we're supposed to go for.
Yeah, because wouldn't you be disobeying Bahama if you were all like, huh, don't go.
I'm going to go. Exactly.
I mean, yeah, you know, for once, I have to say it.
Sully's made a very good point.
I agree.
Sully has made an excellent, well-reasoned point.
Thank you.
Which maybe, yeah, there is strange things afoot
and this new prophecy might be the way that we need to go.
Yeah.
So I guess let's go get some devil cultists.
I mean, we're not doing anything else right now.
We're certainly not going to Celestia.
Nope.
Because we can follow simple direction.
Yeah.
Over at the bar, Nampaw is talking to the professor and say, I don't get it.
I hit him with the intrusion at Butthole.
I hit him with the Goblin housing uprising.
I hit him with the little doggy in the portal.
Nothing worked except the warden.
These guys are obsessed with themselves.
Amy is hurt, but Sullivan can't hear this.
Yeah.
We just need them to go through the motions.
But, you know, we need that orb.
Devils.
You know, we got people counting on this.
Ha, balls.
You're so funny, professor.
You're right, professor.
Looks like they're done over there.
And Nampaw squeaks back over.
Have you made a decision the professor wants to know?
Yes.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Have a Werther's.
The slot comes open and gives a second Werther's to Glem.
Oh, thank you.
Werther's to Sully.
Werther's to Moot.
Werther's are for closers, professor.
And he slams the little drawer shut.
Later in this episode, if you don't throw shit at him, I'm not convinced you're a real monkey.
Thank you.
These are delicious.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're going to do the mission.
We'll get the ball for balls.
You're good kids.
I could tell you were good kids, even if you didn't take the mission.
You're good kids.
Really?
Because you started out with all of our faults about like Butts Hole, the zombie prints.
I mean, you kind of laid it on real thick that you think were real screw ups.
Tough love, big guy.
We're here to give you direction.
By direction, do you mean you are going to come and help with the whole cult thing?
Are you guys just going to chill here and we'll bring back the orb or...
You're right, professor.
Of course we come.
This crossbow is not just for other things that a crossbow could be for, besides
shooting cultists and demons.
Shish kebabs.
Always shish kebabs.
Back scratches.
It's also for shish kebabs.
Yeah.
Lockpicking.
Shoehorn.
He pulls out his notebook and starts writing these things up.
This is actually good stuff.
Sometimes when there's something really high on a shelf, and I mean really tight
because I'm pretty tall and you just can't quite reach it and you get something
long and skinny and you kind of like scoop it towards you, you could use it for that.
Actually, that's not a problem for me.
And he crosses that one out.
Oh, after he writes down the monologue that she gave about getting it.
Every word.
Not that one.
Disagree.
And it crosses out each letter.
It's actually, you know, a little slant crosses each time.
It takes about a minute.
We transition to some travel.
Got to make it to a mountain here.
Settle up at your inn and pack up all your things and head out on the road
and find yourself in the middle of a forest.
Do we walk in?
Well, I guess.
Do Nampon Nine and Professor Smart Monkey have means of travel or are we walking?
Well, unfortunately, the cart and horse we came in on have been completely
corrupted by squish fruit.
And he pours out a little whiskey out of his out of his tea kettle.
But that's OK.
We have all this script and a giant expense account.
Let's get a let's get a cart.
The whiskey that's being poured out.
You see Professor Smart Monkey catching it as it's falling to the ground in his mouth.
We cut ahead.
You're in the middle of a forest.
There are wild animal sounds coming from all around you.
And ahead of you is a crater before you.
You could go around it.
Might add a few hours.
It's rather large or you could go down through it.
But inside is a slick, oily tar pit.
I'm not fucking going in there.
How deep is this crater to the to the center depth?
Probably seventy five feet.
So it bowls out.
But huge if it's going to take us a couple hours to go around it.
It's not very deep, but it is very it's got a large circumference.
Yeah.
And we think the cultists are in here.
Now, the cultists are in the mountains.
This is just a minor inconvenience that I'm sure our heroes will find a way to get us through.
Not through around.
Sorry, Mr. Monkey, Professor.
Thround, thround.
We're using portmanteaus.
I've learned from you.
You can't just portmanteau anything.
It's got whatever.
I'm not going through this, you guys.
Look, it's yuck.
I kind of think I'm with Sully.
It is for sure.
Total yuck.
And there's no way our cuts going through that horse.
You want to go through there?
He says no.
We're not losing a horse in the muck.
I refuse to see it.
Think about it.
Yeah, it's not happening.
So I know it's going to delay the whole thing by like some time.
But honestly, like to be honest, I could have argued about whether or not we should have done this for an extra two hours back at the tavern.
So is it really adding time onto it?
I mean, the cultists aren't expecting us at a specific time.
I mean, I think we can just go around.
It's a prophecy.
Yeah, it's not time specific.
So, yeah, I don't think we should go through this.
Monkey turns to Nampon 9.
You could do that.
You could glide.
Let's show them what we got, Professor.
Professor pulls out of his pocket there.
He's wearing a lab coat, yes?
Yeah.
A black lab coat.
Black lab coat.
Or like a suit.
A suit lab coat.
A lab coat over a suit.
They're both black.
He pulls out of his black lab coat a white piece of chalk, and there's no chalk dust that comes out.
And quickly moves around and draws a huge circle around your group.
What do you think he's doing?
And then looks to Nampon 9 and kind of shrugs.
Okay.
Everybody hold hands.
Why?
Because it builds trust.
No, because it's the spell.
We're going to do a spell.
Oh, magic is happening.
That monkey's a witch.
He begins speaking up and closes his eyes and holds the chalk above his head.
Everybody repeat after the professor.
And the chalk begins to glow and dust begins to swirl.
And in a snap, you're on the other side of this huge crater.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm so glad you did that.
That was very impressive.
I have to say.
That was so cool.
Moot, can you do that?
Moot, can you do stuff like that?
I haven't learned that one yet.
Nampon, can the professor teach me that at some point?
Well, maybe you don't want him to.
Are we on the right side?
Isn't it the same side we started on, professor?
Professor, you look down and you're in the middle of the same chalk circle.
All right.
One more time.
You got it this time, buddy.
I believe in you.
I mean, I think that says more about us.
We thought we were on the other side already.
I know.
I kind of embarrassed myself.
Well, like magic happened.
I just assumed it worked well.
I mean, it was a circle.
It is a circle.
He looks down and then puts the chalk back in his pocket and then just starts walking around.
He's very sensitive.
Look, that's all.
We can go around.
That's not so bad, right?
Well, I suggested it to begin with.
I don't know.
We can go around.
Hey, struggles with magic?
Yes.
Talk to me about it.
Very accepted.
No need to get into detail on that one.
Ask him about his height.
Oh, boy.
Here we go again with this.
You all seem giant to me, but size isn't everything, buddy.
You'll get taller.
I don't know if you will.
We fade out of this scene on sad monkey songs.
Sad monkey songs?
I think the walk is nice, Professor.
Don't worry about it.
This is great.
And we transition to the mouth of a large cave at the top of this magnificent mountain
that was before you.
Everybody slightly out of breath for how long it took.
We had a cart with a horse.
Almost everybody.
Glim is not out of breath.
Sully did not walk.
I mean, Glim is carrying Sully.
The horse slightly out of breath for carrying everybody except Glim.
This is a really big cave.
There's probably a lot of people in there.
Devils.
Not cultists that worship devils.
Maybe devils also, but TBD.
It's a party.
So who wants to go first?
Wait, no.
I mean, if it's a party, do we just walk in or should we plan first?
Who am I?
It's a whole new world.
Well, I don't know if I'm OK with it.
Nampaw, what do you know about, if anything, I know prophecies, a little sketchy.
These cultists, they have the orb.
We know that.
Do they have, I don't know, like a lot of other super magic deadly weapons or are they kind of soft and weak?
Do they like to keep like wizards and like magic people?
Well, if there's one thing I know about cultists, every cultist, every cultist in the world has one thing in common.
They kidnap children.
They wear robes?
Robes!
I would here have a Werther's.
I was going to say robes.
Robes!
I have a robe.
As you're looking, Nampaw looks at the professors.
Yes, professor, they also have shoes and hair.
They don't all have hair, though.
Some of them are probably bald.
Some have sandals.
No, some of them are bald down there, too, professor.
It's a personal preference.
Anyway, we're off topic.
Maybe we just like, who's got robes?
I got a robe.
Do you have extra robes?
I brought robes for all of you.
Oh, okay.
I was going to say, I do have one extra robe, but it would be like a tank top for you, Glim.
Kind of under, you know, he pulls his shield out when we're strapped to his little chassis,
and he pulls out four matching round tiny robes that would fit him and not you.
Maybe if you took my robe and a few of his robes, sewed them together,
or we could go in without robes and get some information and not do anything crazy,
and then come out and let you know that there's four people in there.
Oh, I thought you were going to say, then come out and then do the crazy thing.
Well, yeah, but I mean, all together.
What if we just wait, like, for 20 minutes, see who comes and goes,
and like, try and get a handle on their whole situation?
Kidnap them, strip them of their robes, use the robe.
Oh, or that.
Yes, good thinking.
Okay.
Professor Smart Monkey kind of looks to everybody and turns and starts walking into the cave.
Does he understand? Common.
Absolutely.
Haven't you been listening to a word he said?
Come on.
Sorry.
And Nan Paul wheels in after him.
I haul my robe on as I'm walking in there.
And I have the hood down in front of my eyes.
Does this technically count as spelunking?
I mean, I think it does.
We're in a cave.
I must say, yeah.
You all follow behind Professor Smart Monkey and Nanpaw9,
and you are quietly, quietly walking through, I presume?
Oh, definitely.
You're right.
Oh, yeah.
Nanpaw kind of squeaks.
Soft footsteps and squeaks echo through this chamber.
You walk past a few, like, tunnels that lead into open passageways,
and you don't see a lot of signs of people.
There's some footsteps in the dirt and dust, but they look a little older.
Now, are there other signs?
Bathroom this way.
Cafeteria.
Yes.
Next service, 56 kilometers.
Check your fuel.
That's right.
Yeah, specifically that one.
You pass.
Yeah.
OK.
And you're following behind Professor Smart Monkey,
who's, like, scaling the walls as he's going
and, like, disappearing in, like, just this mist
and then appearing on another side.
And you get down to the end of this long tunnel
and enter into this open chamber,
and at the center of this chamber is a stalagmite.
And on the end of this stalagmite is this glowing orb.
Are you guys a fan of the orb?
I mean, that seems a lot easier than I thought it was going to be to locate.
Yeah, we haven't even seen any cultists, and they're, like, not even hiding it.
So, like, before anything happens, should we just go snatch it?
I mean, yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
Let's move quick.
Stop fucking around.
Get the orb.
I want to check for traps first.
And Sully checks for traps first.
OK.
Investigation.
Ah, fuck me.
Eight.
Yeah, no, it's fine, everybody.
It's fine.
Are you sure?
I'm going to just...
26.
Fuck.
No, wait.
That's a lie.
My investigation is fake.
I was adding...
I athletically look around.
You're, like, lunging in different directions.
Little green eyeballs.
Totally.
You're parkouring up the wall to check for traps.
Ah, sorry.
This is 19.
Oh, my God.
Still good.
It was a good roll.
It's just like a really good description of the disparity between my rolls and everybody
else's.
26.
OK, so yeah, Sully gives, like, a cursory, like, just, like, from where he's standing.
And the old thumbs up.
Glim, you go closer to, presumably, to look around.
Yeah, and I can see up a lot higher.
Sure.
You know, if there's a trap up on a high shelf or something, I can see that.
So.
You make more of an effort to find anything, and you don't see any visible traps in this
room.
Well, I don't...
I don't see anything.
I mean, maybe it's really just...
That's why I just said that.
Why did you have to look and then, like, make me feel like my looking wasn't
good enough?
It's just that, you see, they have, like, this high shelf up here, and I thought,
maybe...
What kind of cave is this?
They have...
They do storage up along the top shelf.
And also, weirdly...
It's really convenient.
So it's a lot of storage, but then also there's, like, some sort of decorative
pottery up there?
How did they even dust up there, though?
It's really...
It's not practical.
It just would be so...
It's not practical.
Well, I'm gonna...
Can I even reach the orb?
I can't even reach the orb, can I?
How high up is it?
How tall...
How high is the orb?
You said it was a stalagmite.
Well, yeah.
They could be of many different sizes.
It could be many different sizes.
Exactly.
Let's say it's probably, like, a...
It's a substantial stalagmite, like, probably four, four and a half feet.
So, like, you would have to reach for it.
But Sully could get it.
My God, look at the size of that stalagmite.
What hero could summit that?
Sully goes to grab it, because it just seems like something's...
Like, it's shiny.
Mm-hmm.
I want it.
100%.
You go and grab the orb.
Mm-hmm.
And as you touch it...
Oh, God, do I get teleported back to that crater?
And now I have to walk all the way back while everyone else completes this mission?
Oh, my God, what a terrible punishment that would be.
That would be so good.
No, you touch it, and it disappears in your hand.
Oh, God, guys, I broke.
I lost it.
And you hear these metal bars crash to the ground behind you.
And you look, and you see Nampaw Nine and Professor Smart Monkey standing on the
other side of the gate.
And coming up behind them are five other figures.
Watch out behind you guys.
Look, they're...
Look out behind you.
Took you long enough.
Stop fucking around, boys.
You guys were supposed to be here a couple hours ago.
You know, they don't speak monkey.
They couldn't get us across the crater.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Do labels on shirts mean nothing anymore?
Here, have a Werther's.
And Sully totally flips him the bird.
Hehehe.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, Season 2, Episode 105, starring Amy More as Sully, Carla
Maxted as Glim, Tom Laird as Moot, and Russ More as your dungeon master,
with special guest Lindsay Bowen as Nampaw Nine.
Editing, production, and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin McCloud and Epidemic Sound, and
sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok,
Kat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Craig Zeiss,
Erin Stevens, Darylith, Lulahan, and Charlie Warley.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions at
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You'll also receive bonus episodes and a full exclusive podcast called
The Adventures Out, run by Tom, with characters played by Amy, Carla, and I.
We hope to see you over there.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumb dragon cast, and on
Instagram and Twitter at dumb dragon cast.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
What are you doing with your hands?
It's really distracting.
Whatever I want.
Just never mind, all right?
What?
Okay.
Look, I have to speak as a monkey who doesn't speak, okay?
It's wonderful.
I want to say like eight minutes before I want to say it.
It's really hard.
Yeah.
It's great.
It's a great mental process.
Now take out, take out all of your words.
Yeah.
And it's just like, yeah, ha, balls, ha.
You're so funny.
We could probably take that again.
You're right.
No.
No, I love it.
I think it's perfect the way it is.
Okay.
It looks like.
That is going to be wonderful.
Ooh.
Yeah.
And I was like, you made us sound stupid, right?
Damn it.
We do that ourselves.
Yeah.
We don't need any help with that.
Look, you all just made monkey noises.
I think we're, I think we're even.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.